The "In-Between"
“do not fast forward into something you’re not ready for
or allow yourself to shrink back
into what’s comfortable
growth lives in the uneasiness
the in-between
the unfinished sentence
you are a season of becoming
”
After 11 cities, 8 states, 33 “homes” and continually choosing to say “yes” to the unknown one would think somehow the in-between would become easier, less daunting after thirty-two years. That my fear wouldn’t be the loudest in the room or that my courage and wisdom would somehow drown out the angst. It hasn’t yet.
Last Fall after the hardest sprint of my life both, personally and professionally, I thought there would be rest and an unfolding of sweet simplicity, ease. I was flat out on the metaphorical arena and had poured out every ounce of mental, spiritual, creative, physical and emotional resource I contained (and much that I did not) to help lead days that were quite literally a glimpse of heaven on earth. I’d do it all over again. It was the greatest honor of my life, and if everything I had ever done was to prepare for me being able to be a part of bringing it to life - it was all worth it. Amidst it all I prayed and prayed (and had others praying too) for clarity to reign down for what was next, anticipating I would be spent at the end of the sprint. (I was)
In mid-October as I returned home to DC and began the close out of a significant project and season, the Divine gave me the clarity I had prayed for. It was simple, direct and made so much sense. No fanfare just a slow Saturday morning watching the light fill my room while sipping coffee.
Leave DC in the winter, spend the spring in the South, move to the Northwest in the summer.
It was the whisper that had led me to every place I had ever been in my adulthood, the one that met me on the cold painful night as my uncle was dying, and the one that I have followed to create moments more extraordinary than anything I had ever dreamed for myself. I took a deep, deep breath. Sent gratitude for the clarity and kept moving forward with a sense that an end of an era was taking place, the beginning of a new unfolding. I was tired but ready.
Then the fear set it in, which then led to eight months of wrestling over what the right next thing was. Quickly abandoning the gift of calm and clarity I had been given. It found company in anxiety as the what if’s stormed in to join the party. Firmly planting themselves down ready to stay awhile.
2019 began with a few hard lessons, big learning and a medical crisis that put me in the George Washington Hospital ER in the most acute physical pain I had ever been in. Diagnosed with an acute onset of entropic arthritis (autoimmune arthritis). It had presented itself in my left knee and was almost impossible to walk on as I healed. The specialists were perplexed as I had no other symptoms and no “reason” for its appearance and reasoned that it must have been stress. If it was anything, it was my body screaming to “stop”, “rest” not later, but right now. No longer could my next move or decision be about work or anything other than my self-care. The recovery propelled me into a few months of having to move slower than I have e.v.e.r. moved, ask for more help than I was comfortable with and then warring with the sense of defeat that also found its way into the onslaught of fear, anxiety and what-if’s .
I ended January deeply thankful for my community as they gathered around me, angry that I was so limited and in pain, confused on what the right next thing was and losing my usually grounded center and intuition. Voices I trust began to pour out their wisdom, which began to confuse me even more as I worked to push through the gloomy forest of doubt and defeat.
So, I did what my heart needed and challenged myself to be kinder to myself than ever before.
I spent February wrapped up in the beautiful support of Deena and Joseph Neimat and my best friend Lauren – waking up slow, making celery juice every morning and doing a 28-day raw food cleanse (that eliminated my pain in five days.) It was a month of solo movies, writing, meals shared and just trying to catch my breath. Leaning into an unexpected but important season.
Then I got on a plane, and another and another (and another). I don’t know if I blame my 2w3 or just needing movement to help me process through every option – explore what every road could lead too and, in a way—to find the way back to my center.
But, through it all I learned (and re-learned) this about the in-between:
You already know the answer.
The source of your greater fear or resistance is where your truth lies – and your potential for the greatest healing
That a room full of near strangers (in a loft in Brooklyn) can be your teachers – and remind you that magic is real
Your people will catch you when you need them the most
The Divine will provide on every level: purpose, rest, play, community, resource
Listen to your body. It’s your guide
Find mentors, teachers who are ahead of you in the journey.
Even when you feel beat up, you always, always have the strength to get back up. To dare greatly (thank you, Brene)
We were meant for Sabbath, for rest. Learn it. Lean into it.
You can’t fast forward into something you’re not ready for
Don’t shrink back – beautiful things can await you on the other side of that cliff
There is no right choice. If the path you choose ends up not being the best one, you make another.
Decide what life you want to build and establish that as true north
When you find a $75 non-stop ticket book it and go.
_____
Through all of it I found my way back to the answer I already knew, peace settled, and all the unwelcome guests departed.
I like to think that next time there is a major life decision I will walk into it with all my lessons learned and confidently remind myself all of these things shared here. The sweet grace is that even if I forget the Divine won’t, and will walk closely with me as I journey through it all.
Because, it just might be all about the season of becoming, of learning to wrestle with the dark to remind you of the light that you hold and learning there is no “right” choice when it comes to following your purpose.