Walking Her Home
Feels unimaginable that I have seemingly so quickly transitioned to at-home Hospice for Mar. This is an agonizing thing to see unfold. Since her fourth hospitalization in late July, I have exhausted all resources and other options before making the decision to have at-home hospice. She was considered pre-hospice early October, and as her trial treatment meds weaned 2+ weeks ago she rapidly began to suffer.
Her pain rapidly increased, her anxiety intensified, sleep became even harder, lots of big emotions, a ton of fatigue -- and when the diagnosis came late September they said a few months to a year was her trajectory. The most recent lung CT showed no change to the damage and disease in her lungs after 5 weeks of a steroid treatment which was difficult news. Her critical care pulmonologist and cardiologist both were very emotional this week as we transitioned her to hospice, because they are also taken aback she's declining so quickly.
On days I can’t believe this is really happening, I pause and am reminded of the ways my closest people have surrounded me the last few months, proving that it is devastatingly true. All of us are feeling the shift towards the end for my Mary. How and when, will it be a few months, 6 months, longer? We don’t know the answer, but she is the one leading the way these days. As she processes dying, going to Heaven, being ready, being scared, lamenting over her sickness, celebrating that she is not “dying today”, being confused with God – she is deeply in the process of it all. I think she’s been five steps ahead since August, trying to help prepare me, and what I thought were questions when she asked “am I dying?”, was so much more her telling than questioning.
People say that I have given her such a beautiful life the last three years, and if I have, then goodness what an honor. I know caregiving and doing it as a single-woman has come with sacrifice. But, what I have been gifted these last few years of Mary’s love fully directed at me every day, her profound ability to see someone’s spirit, her kindness, her humor, her fire – it has all changed me deeply. She has forced me to slow down, to pay attention. To appreciate such simple, incredible things about life, to savor time and presence in a whole new way. She’s become my greatest teacher – as she continually reveals that even amidst her struggles, her suffering, love is truly the most powerful thing on earth.
Over the past nearly three years, I’ve watched her heal from a long-life of hardship, of the trauma and loss of Mom’s stroke, too many transitions, far too much heartbreak.
Witnessing her flourishing and the cultivation of her voice has been akin to seeing magic in real time. The wonder of good and whole love, consistency, of safety, of home. It has proven it’s what will heal our greatest pain and loss.
She is my whole heart and my glimpse of Heaven on Earth through all of her magic, love and kindness.
In the weeks and months to come my intention now is to make these days be ones that she is just so deeply loved and feels all of her magic given right back to her.
Walking her home is the most excruciating thing I could imagine, and my greatest honor. We have both been surrounded in love the last few months, and I am ever so grateful.
There are some very tangible ways, if you feel compelled, to support Mary:
Mail: She loves mail; cards, letters, tokens. If you would like to send her mail message me for our address. She loves pink, art, rainbows, movies.
Financial Support: There are alot of needs arising with this season for Mary and end of life planning, visits, care and bucket lists. I am solely responsible for Mary, and any financial support is deeply appreciated. You can learn more + give here: https://gofund.me/41a15f8f
Prayers: please join us in praying for her healing, for her comfort and peace, for the escalating pain to cease and for me as I walk in step with her through this season. Will you pray for our family? Would you pray for me? This big sister is heartbroken and weary from three years of caregiving, hardship within the world and our family. Would you pray for hope, for peace and for so much miraculous joy.