Heart, you will come back to life

Recently a mentor told me, that when you think about where to start with writing, you are writing to yourself three years ago.

That struck me deeply as I thought about where I was three years ago. 

I was on the other side of a few years that had been full scale “you can do this, get back up. You may not know what else there is, but this is not all there is to this thing called healing. It will be worth it, get back up” type of days – and knew I was at the end of road I could walk alone. 

See, I’ve learned this about pain – it’s hard and frustrating and can paralyze you. But, the healing of it will lead you to caverns of strength and joyful capacity within yourself you never knew resided within you.

Three years ago – I had yet to fully understand the weight of the things I carried. The journey to exposing the pain and trauma that had taken place was one that required commitment, grace and a willingness to walk gently. I said yes to that road, which has involved a lot of hours of counseling, reading and writing.  I am so thankful I did.

If I could go back to my heart three years ago, I would say this….

Heart, you are strong and kind and tired. But you are made of powerful resilience. It was woven into your veins before the first breath. The days ahead will, yes, be hard, but the goodness that will take shape because of these brave days cannot be measured.

You will have to keep getting back up and entering into the dark places, that only you have gone into before. It will require letting others into those places with you – without shrinking back, or pretending the rough spaces are not there. You will have to be willing to risk looking completely not put together. Your exterior fortress of “sweetness” and “don’t push the boundaries” will crumble. You will feel exposed. Keep going.

There will be days where you’ll ache for days you have yet to imagine – ones where the light has broken through. Where you start to lose all inhibition, and let yourself feel all that’s within you. Without trying to limit it, pull away or be scared of it. The ache is the future calling for you – whispering to you of days that will come soon. They will teach you about how deeply loved you are. Days that will remind you how powerful you are, how powerful you have always been. That every good and magical thing you felt at the beginning can come back to you.

But, don’t quit. Feel the rage and pain and rejection of the years that feel lost or taken. Grieve how you thought it should have been or the love you needed and never received.

Heart, you are strong and kind. There are days coming where the wonder will cause you to stop mid step and weep because the story around you is one you couldn’t have dreamed up. They are so beautiful. Still hard, but you are stronger.  Now you know the nature of light and how longs to breathe into every part of your heart.

You will break, into many pieces and yet I promise that it’s worth it. Because the days are coming that you will encounter a fire within you, that had long felt lost. Authentic joy will take shape in your spirit, and you will begin an adventure that is full of wonder and magic.

Heart, you will come back to life.

Keep going.

This song, it's the sound of light breaking through.